Mark Twain said that.

I have only golfed four times in my life. My first time was during a drought. Everything was brown because watering was restricted. I didn’t like it. The second time was in a downpour. It started raining at the third hole and I was delighted because I was already bored anyway and was glad to advance directly to that 19th hole, but nobody even left the course! I felt stupid staying out there - getting soaked in the rain. I decided I really didn’t like it.

The last two times I golfed, though, is the way to go: captain & crew. The best ball shot in the foursome is the one used to move forward, so the game goes quicker and it tends to take the pressure off performance a little. This weekend, I was in a fundraising tournament. Here’s how I did: only one of my balls was used. It is both humbling and humiliating at the same time.

Applewood is course where the tournament was held. It is a lovely but hilly course in the back mountains of Pittston. Well-pruned apple trees are scattered throughout the course and each hole is named after an apple variety. (Even the restrooms stick with the theme: named “Adam” for the men and “Eve” for the women. Cute.) My friend (The Ringer) golfs in a weekly league on this course. She said that golfers pick the apples and eat them as they go through the course. Deer, too, are seen on the course eating right from the trees. We actually saw one and she was in no hurry to leave.

I don’t have golf shoes nor do I have my own clubs so I borrowed a set from a co-worker. There I was hauling a beautiful bag of Square Twos (while wearing sneakers). I didn’t really know how much they cost but I’m told the price of these clubs has to be around $500, maybe more! I was terrified I’d lose one or break one or get them dirty. There is a ding on the Number One Wood, but I’m hoping she put it there.

Ignorance is truly bliss. I didn’t know what I didn’t know. I tried to use a tee on the second shot when they told me to use a wood, so I just thought you used a tee whenever you used a wood. Silly. Then, I asked which club I should use while we were on the green. Okay, it’s the putter, but the ball seemed pretty far away from the hole to me.

The more I learn, the worse I get. Everyone tells you things that they think will help but I only end up sucking more. I’m real good at airballs, though. Boy, I feel like an idiot when that happens — three times on the same try, sheesh. The only thing I moved well was the grass turf divots. Broke my heart as I did it, too. I tried to re-patch the grass from where it was so violently yanked from their earth hoping it could root again (only to be hacked again by me on the second time around).

If I wasn’t sending balls to their untimely death in a watery grave, I jailed them in the woods. These balls had to be afraid of me. On the green, all my balls were afraid of the dark. I only hit one in. I did have one excellent drive that appeared to have landed up on the green! From our driving point of view, the green wasn’t visible. As we drove the cart up to the green we couldn’t see my ball at all. They teased me that it must be a hole-in-one! My heart soared while they carried on their cruel charade by dramatically moving the flag even to look in the cup. However, my little fluorescent green ball wasn’t there at all. It was nestled safely in the spinach, well beyond the hole, mocking me by a shot with simply “too much club”.

At the end of the course, we were treated to a bountiful and scrumptious home-made lunch and desserts to die for. As the prizes were announced, I was thrilled that our foursome received a prize for a birdie! I can’t tell you the exact factor for the award, but it was cool to have won. Another prize was for the following, and I cite the criteria verbatim from the tournament sheet: “go to your ball. Pace off the distance your ball is away from the line. Deduct that distance from your drive by moving backwards down the line.” Huh?!?

Aside from the frustrations of the sport, I looked at the 64 golfers in our tournament. The age spanned from young teenagers to senior citizens. Although said to have been invented by the Scottish fabled to be a sport for Gentlemen Only Ladies Forbidden, things have certainly changed and there were as many women as men in our tournament. This wide array must be the beauty of the addiction: it spans gender, age and ability. It can be a sport to enjoy/detest with your friends and/or family. You don’t have to travel far and you don’t really need to spend a lot of money. It doesn’t have to take all day because, if you want to, you can play a quick nine in 3 hours. It gets you outside. Like they say at Applewood: “Go Out and Play”.

p.s. Thanks, Johnny & Noreen!